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Spoil Us Not, Sneaks!: A refresher on Leaky's pre-book policy

OK peoples. It's just about that time: A few months away from the book. THE book. We're getting a lot of e-mails about spoilers - and not just the kind where you say, "You may not want to read my theory because it's totally a spoiler." Thanks for the warning - we had no idea Snape was a body surfer! Awesome!
Anyway, the books will soon be printed. Sometime in the next few weeks we'll hear all sorts of ridiculous things, such as:

• The book magically appeared in a field ("Phoenix": Remember how the person who found it just happened to call the ever-magnanimous tab "The Sun," who then printed a review that basically read, "Nanny-nanny-poo-poo, we've read it and you haven't"?).
• Or, a bunch of bets for Harry to live / for Harry to die came out of the town where the books are being printed ("Half-Blood Prince": Remember the bets on Dumbly?).
• Even, perhaps, that there was a pistol shootout / watergun showdown / spaghetti-slinging match over stolen copies (again, "Half-Blood Prince." That is, just the pistol part).

And then there are the little spoiler-zone pockets, which crop up in strange places. Last time, a big leak came from a librarian who decided to dig in a few days early and post the results on her journal. Bookstore workers have also been responsible for leaks (though, we understand how working in a store where unopened Potters lurk evilly can be a form of torture acceptable in old-school Salem). Before HBP's release, someone on a military base in Malaysia got hold of the book and scanned in every first chapter page, the summary, and the whole final chapter, and sent it to Leaky. Some staffers were intensely spoiled. Some staffers are still bitter. Some staffers curse this person's name.

The powers that be seem even more prepared for this spoiler scenario this time. There are talks of extreme security measures, of chains and locks and last-minute deliveries.

BRING IT, we say.

Here it is, a refresher on Leaky's spoiler policy:

Ahem.

DON'T DO IT.

Sending us spoilers will get you one place, bucko: sent to Scholastic, Christopher Little, Bloomsbury, and every JoLawyer we can think of. We don't want to see them, we won't post them, and we'd want to stop you. Book revelations aren't to be spurted out in bullet form on a message board. They're to be read, dispersed at the proper moment, given all the context of the story. This is not like the movies, which cannot contain real plot surprises for fans.

If Harry dies, we don't want to know about it until J.K. Rowling decides to tell us. And if you decide to tell us before that, you'll incur the wrath of a staff of almost 200, most of whom have been waiting almost 10 years for these final revelations and can NEVER get back the moment you rob by spoiling them. That's some wrath, right there. We own pitchforks, hot wax and feathers. And we're not afraid to use them.

If, between now and July 21, Jo or her people release a fact about the book, it will be posted on this site, but you will be heavily warned about it beforehand. We understand a lot of you want to remain super-pure from now until then. We admire you, oh white angels.

If it comes from ANYWHERE else - from ANY unofficial source - it will not be on this site. You have no need to worry. We might recognize its existence in a news story, but the actual content of the spoilage won't appear on these pages.

So, bookstore managers, librarians, and people who like to stroll in the fields next to the publishing plants: We appreciate that you feel the need to share your revelations with us. But you'd have better luck and would get a better response if you told your goldfish instead. Watch out, though - we hear the publishing companies are looking into fishbowl surveillance. Mr. FlippityFins just may be a plant.

And if you're that guy who shouted "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!" outside the bookshop at 12:01 a.m. on July 16, 2005? Just go away, man. Just go away. Quietly. And we won't hurt you.

Seriously: we're almost there, guys, so let's make sure we respect every other Harry Potter fan we can. It'll be worth it!