Rafik – thank you so much for sharing your story. i guess, right now, i don’t really feel like i’m trying to improve myself so much as i’m trying (by binding) to take away the things that don’t allow me to be myself. does that make sense? maybe its the same thing. the only thing about binding, of course, is that eventually my back’s going to get messed up so i do look forward to the day i can just throw on a t shirt and go. i think there’s a huge possibility that my interest in T will grow after top surgery, though, but i’m wary of that feeling because i never wanted my transition to be about chasing something, because i think, ultimately, i would end up chasing something forever, something that might be unattainable. so for now, i guess i just take things slow, right?
i don’t think i’m trans, but i’ve played with the idea before (hey, everyone gets to question their identity) and i figure i’m probably just slightly genderqueer. anyway, while playing with the idea, i researched transitions and have a lot of the same problems with it you mentioned. especially the fact that surgery for ftms is way more difficult, expensive, and ineffective than surgery for mtfs. (women’s bodies kind of suck in a lot of ways—menstrual cycles, and we tend to be less physically able…but pregnancy’s a miraculous compensation for all that, right? >:|) although if i were going to transition, i would probably just keep chasing, like you say, partly because i’m starting out with a very girly body (short, round-faced, curvy) and i don’t think i could deal with the discrepancy between my self-image and our society’s image of the ideal male body. which is terrible and inconsistent of me, since i think that society’s strict gender binary is BS anyway, and that we should be more positive about real bodies, rather than plastic movie star ones, but… it would drive me crazy, if i identified as a man and people didn’t immediately recognize me as such.
Hi Jon
I am a trans person myself, and for a while was quite certain I didn’t want to go down the T road. It scared me in many of the same ways it seems to worry you — not least, the aggression and the disease risks. In the end, I went for it, because even after the top surgery I still felt like the OLD me, only without breasts, rather than like a new and improved me. I got lucky — in my case, which I know is not the norm, the T evened my aggression out, so I am now actually much calmer and more even-tempered. Also, I feel like a more authentic version of myself, and not like anything has been sacrificed.
That said, it is of course your own call. I just wanted to share my own experience.
Good luck, and best wishes.
Rafik, Baltimore