Warning: This essay contains adult themes. Not recommended for children.
Snape: Good or Bad or
Good In Bed?

Launching Severus Anonymous® – Your Online Rehab Clinic

By Dr Cynthya Cynycal

SNAPE, light of your life, fire of your loins. Your sin, your soul. Passion in potions, potent in passions. S-n-ape: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps, first bending over backwards to allow the hiss to hiss, then hushing it by slithering itself between the teeth, then pushing the lower jaw down only to let it snap back, the closing lips securing the jaw's soft landing, producing in the process a lustful puff ’ and remain sensuously parted, showing only a shadowy slit. S. N. Ape.

Right then. Snape. The coveted object of so many a readster's1 dreams. Indeed, what's not to love? Look at his naturally shiny2 hair, his fashionably grey underpants, 3 his sweepy, 4 swoopy5 robes and his unsurpassable sarcasm and wit, towering as he does above a hand-picked audience of traumatised teenagers6 and half-crazed adults7 ’ it is only natural that hordes of women would gladly drink his bathwater. But of course he never bathes, 8 which seems to make them even more thirsty.

And if you consider other characteristics Snape has been endowed with by his Author, it is no wonder so many worship him like an indefatigable, insatiable and at times almost spasmodic and rather loud Sex God. I am referring to the fact that Snape is described, 9 in canon, as shaking, 10 curling, 11 quivering,12 gleaming,13 flopping,14 twitching,15 pressing,16 whirling, 17 hissing,18 yelping,19 howling, 20 barking,21 roaring,22 bellowing,23 shrieking, 24 whoopsy,25 spitty, 26 spatty,27 uplitty,28 dangerously flashing, 29 breathy,30 slightly breathless,31 fully-grown, adult-sized,32 twisted,33 and beside himself34 ’ to name only the least explicit ones.

Severus Anonymous®: The Severus In Each of Us (Well, In You)

"I am about to attempt to break into your mind' said Snape softly. "We are going to see how well you resist." 35

’ Snape teaching Harry Occlumency

Still here? Racing across these lines, are you? Desperately looking for the answer: is he good or bad or good in bed? Need to know it right here and now, do you? Well, you need no such thing. What you need is rest ’ rest and a steady, peaceful environment, where you can read this life-changing piece. Because anyone who found herself being pulled inside by the title's sensationalist, blatantly false antithesis and gulping down my above analysis of Snape's relentless attraction is in urgent need of help. Whether you know it or not you are, or are on the brink of becoming, Snape Obsessed. Fortunately, help is on the way.

I am a psychologyst36 who specialises in treating the fictionally infatuated (those who obsess over book, TV or film characters37). Over the years Snape has managed to hijack my practice: my clients ’ girls and women of various age, background and walks of life ’ violently swoon (and sometimes cry) about no-one else in their weekly fifty minutes. Now, the tears I can live with but it's the drooling that's killing me and my suede couch. For the worst offenders I found myself having to hand out bibs. The slobbering's Pavlovian uncontrollability leads to deep self-disgust for the client (and just disgust for everyone else).

Snape is dangerous, if not in canon then surely outside. Any fictional character whose greying underpants38 are a major tearjerker ("he had such an unhappy childhood") is a Force to be reckoned with if nothing else. At least J.K. Rowling had the good sense to have him wear any39 or I'm sure I would have found myself drowned in a tsunami of saliva.

So my goal is to try and put a stopper in the Snape craze. I want my normal, stain-free couch and Snape-free practice back. 40 The treatment I've developed over time has proven to be highly successful,41 with the ironic result that I find myself attracting even more Snape-afflicted clients. To help stop the growth of Snape addicts and to cure current Snapees I decided to create Severus Anonymous ® ’ a self-directed, online rehab clinic with proven tips and tricks to teach you to master that eerie part of you that is the core of your obsession: your own Mental Severus, your Inner Snape. You can change him ’ this in contrast to Paper Snape, who, strangely enough, is just like a real, flesh and blood man in that respect. 42

Put in one sentence, Severus Anonymous® will teach you not just to peek behind Snape's curtains but to climb ˜em, cut ˜em and ritually burn ˜em, and give him a crew cut in the process. The piece you are now reading provides background on my approach and a flavour of what you can expect in the online Clinic. At the bottom are the subscription details; a link will bring you to more information about the Severus Anonymous ® contents.

Shape Your Snape

"You managed to stop me eventually, though you wasted time and energy shouting. You must remain focused. Repel me with your brain and you will not need to resort to your wand." 43

- Snape to Harry during Occlumency lessons.

The basis of my approach is the tried and tested concept called Reality. If there is one thing a fictional infatuator can't stand it is just that. To be confronted with the harsh real world is Illusion Killer Number One. 44 Currently your Inner Snape is still lurking in the dark crevices of your juicy brain, like a bat45 in a damp cave, living in his own, safe habitat. What we need is good, old-fashioned Muggle cunning and stealth to fly under his radar in order to approach and confront him with the shining light of Reality.

Before I give you a sample exercise let me say that, ironically, we have canon as proof of what "Reality" does with Snape. There is a striking dissimilarity between the effects Snape has on women in our world and in his own. For some fans he is a walking love potion, but in the books, Snape is hardly being chased by Wilhelmina, Pomona, Pansy or Millicent, is he? And no buckling knees for Minerva, no jitters for Hermione when Snape passes (however some shippers might wish otherwise). Why is that? Well, in canon it is implied that girls and women experience Snape very "real' warts and all. And then it is easy to see there is no attraction at all, no sex appeal, no obsession. With his greasy hair, 46 his hooked nose (not aquiline features, ladies, but a dime-a-dozen hooked nose), 47 his infamous uneven, yellowish teeth, 48 and his demeanour officially being described as scary, 49 grudgy,50 snarly,51 narrow,52 cold,53 violent,54 dark,55 contemptuous,56 malevolent, 57 unmistakably malicious,58 cruel, sarcastic, 59 and, worst of all, tut-tutty60 and unpleasantly lolling61 - the message for his peer fictional characters is clear: YUK!62

That feeling is what we want to create, too. I have developed some pretty stern techniques to do just that. Severus Anonymous® explains them in full detail; the following is a typical homework exercise in focusing on reality. You will learn to see real life details of your Severus so as to defictionalise and defantasise him. It is just those tiny little things that you might have overlooked all the time. I use the exercise below quite often. All I say to my clients is, "What I want you to do at home this week is to describe in your mind's eye his feet, 63 in all possible detail." You have not done your homework properly if you cannot answer all of the following questions:

Are your Snape's feet nice and warm and pinky, or are they Inferi cold and white?64

How about his toenails? Does he have any? If so, how many?

Any ingrown?

Their colour(s) please. Pink, yellow, brownish, mouldy? Any combinations?

Exactly how long are those nailies? 65 Are they of Film-Voldemortian length?

Any ailments to speak of (e.g., wizard's foot)?

How do your Inner Snape's feet smell, when, after a hard and honest day's work of bullying innocent ickle wizards, 66 he pulls his tight Potion Master's boots off, the type with non-breathing, rubber soles to protect against acid from spilled potions?

Please, tell me, does he grow his own toe cheese variety? Would Gerda Curd67 be attracted or repulsed? Explain.

It is a strong Inner Snape indeed that can withstand this type of questions. Obviously there are many more body parts to cover, as we will in our Clinic; the above is just to whet your appetite.

Snape, Sex and Psychology

A voice said, "It is fine. But leave out the poetry and descriptions of anything but sex. Concentrate on sex." 68

’ Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus

Directly after model train maintenance sex is the most overrated mechanical hobby, so Severus Anonymous® won't waste your time discussing it, as such. We will treat sex only in the context of freeing you from your Inner Snape's pincer-like grip69 ’ a daunting but doable task, as you will soon agree. Here's an introduction.

How often have I not heard fans say that, normally, they detest men with greasy hair, but with Snape it is all different. Well, of course it is, because they only "picture" their Snape: they "see" him and "hear" him instead of really experiencing him, by which I mean: touch him, smell him, taste him. Why so limited? Is it perhaps because, subconsciously, Snape fans know that what J.K. Rowling wrote about Filch is also true for Snape: "Filch was best viewed at a distance"? 70

You may counter that fans do get quite physical, in the vast body of steamy Snape fan fiction, in their depiction of Snape in all kinds of activities that are, by the way, often as intricate, complex and elongated as the infamous (partially pitch-dark) 31-page fight between the Order and the Death Eaters in the bowels of the Department of Mysteries: 71 even reading it made me wish for a guide dog, a map in Braille and a GPS to be able to follow who's doing what to whom where and why. 72 Be that as it may, aren't the fans being very explicit in their description of the sexual Severus?

No, they are not. I have forced myself to read some samples of that type of fan fiction and even the most explicit scenes are artificial and superficial. A reason might be that, as a rule, fans let Snape frolic around (such a Snape-like expression) in their fiction with other fictional characters (Hermione; Draco; Mrs Norris) rather than with the fan fiction author herself, so it is understandable that the prose is somewhat detached. Whatever the reason, what I "miss" is the taste, the smell, the touch¦ The fans would have done themselves (and us) such a tremendous favour if they'd imagined Snape as real as they could. Face "Reality" and truly experience what a man feels like who is described as looking "stringy" and "pallid' "like a plant kept in the dark." 73 Does he require watering before any action can be expected? Does he grow leaves where real men have love handles? And why don't you kiss that "horribly flickering vein' shining on his "greasy temple." 74 Kiss and tell. Better yet, lick it. I mean it. Indulge yourself and all of us and lick "his sallow skin' "the colour of sour milk." 75 It will no doubt prove the comparison extends beyond just colour. And please feast your olfactory faculty on Snape's greasy hair (a different way of saying, shove your nose right into those smelly curtains). You don't expect the smell of Brylcreem, do you? Or do you? I don't. I bet that, instead, it is an all too natural smell, the sobering result of forthright, testosterone induced, overactive sebaceous glands. 76 This type of question we will be exploring online in great detail.

Manipulating Snape

Two-thirds through the Clinic it is time for you to penetrate your Inner Snape as deeply as possible. You must go to the man's core and de-mystify him for good. It is now or never and you know it. You can't go back but you're afraid to attack. This is the most emotional phase of the treatment, often referred to as "the crying phase" as many clients are reduced to tears by the self-confrontational exercises. Experience has taught me that a little special encouragement works wonders to really get you going with your daunting task.

In my practice, when the tears from fear or self-loathing are richly flowing, I reach under my chair, pull out my therapeutic craft basket (that I always keep handy) and take out my own, home made hand puppet that I've baptised Snivellus the Snuppet. 77 For costume I've made him shiny little black robes out of a threadbare silk slip; on its papier-mâché78 head I've painted his poor li'l face that somehow turned out to have a furious, very displeased expression indeed; to top it, it has black yarn of "shoulder" length for hair (greased with olive oil). Online you will find instructions on how to make your own Snuppet, and a user's manual. 79

While my client is still drowned in tears I put my hand under those robes, put my fingers where they are needed and say, with that high-pitched voice that is, under ancient laws, mandatory for all hand puppets, "Hello Nina, 80 I am Snivellus the Snuppet! Something tells me you are not a happy fan girl. Chocolate81 HobNob?" (I've just dipped the Snuppet's hands into my therapeutic biscuit box). This invariably causes the client to stop crying immediately, launch into a ten minute, liberating monologue, letting all the rage, resentment and frustration come out, take the HobNob from the Snuppet and devour it.

Then comes the next stage, in which I let my clients play with my Snuppet, provided they do not mistreat or befoul82 it. Some hesitate to put their hand under the Snuppet's robes but I assure them to not be afraid, there is nothing there that bites. 83 A breakthrough moment is when I tell the client to bend her index finger (that is inside the cavity of the Snuppet's head) back and forth to let the Snuppet's head nod along. Then I let them move their middle finger (which is in the Snuppet's right arm) to their thumb (in its left arm) and let him clap his li'l hands.

The key instruction during this Snuppet's manipulation is to closely watch its furious facial features all the time. I will spare you theoretical background about role reversal (the one who felt her strings pulled constantly suddenly gets to be the puppeteer), but it certainly works very well. The feeling of total control over your Snuppet ’ no matter what he seems to want or think ’ adds just that bit of self-confidence most of you will need to really confront your Inner Snape as part of your weekly assignment (for example, with his sadistic, self-serving behaviour). 84

Severus Anonymous ® contains a self-evaluation test to check if you are ready for the Snuppet, and another set of tests, to be taken after every 6 Snuppet hours, to establish its impact and your progress.

The First Aid Kit

After applying the Severus Anonymous ® methods you should have succeeded in turning your Inner Snape into a lapdog. 85 However, for those who resist treatment and for possible relapses here are three of the Clinic's techniques that are known to provide instant relief.

Alan by the Gallon

"Can I keep picturing Alan Rickman as my Inner Snape?" quite a number of clients beg me. By Grabthar's Hammer, of course you can ’ provided, however, that your Mr Rickman plays quite a different role. It is a fact that Alan Rickman is at least in some part responsible for the Snape craze ’ no explanation needed, I think. But I am convinced Alan can help you ’ he is, in fact, ideally suited for the task. Being an actor, he can easily play all the parts you have chosen to down-to-earthen your Inner Snape. Making Alan do, in your mind's eye, what you want him to requires some force of mind, but then again, from what my clients frequently and somewhat ashamedly tell me I gather most of them are already quite experienced in this mental exercise. What you need to do is let Alan play your Inner Snape, with you as director, and place him in a very atypical situation. If you succeed, you are dealing your Inner Snape a double blow. Let me give you an example: picture Alan writing in his diary, as Snape, about his plan to go on holiday, for the first time in 20 years, to finally let his hair down. You hear His Voice, reading aloud the diary entry, soft and de-li-be-ra-te:

Current feeling: bouncy. Going to Ice-land! Am.So.Excited. falls over. No Disney-world there! Such relief because really hate balloons! 86 Scared of them popping. Oh.My.Goodness. Better be ten feet from me not less. Throw one at me and will make new door to get away. Am such wuss but oh well.

The Clinic's materials contain many more example scenes for your perusal.

Interpretive Dancing

This is part of the Arts and Literature section. You are encouraged to write poetry, stories,87 paint your own Dumbledore or: dance interpretively. By following your intuition you shake the Snape within and learn to fully understand even that last, undiscovered bit, at least according to theory. Ever since "Equus" clients have started to ask me, "Dr Cynthya, can I do the dancing naked?" Not that Dan is dancing, 88 but naked he is very much. Well, in my practice, I'm fine with it, as long as they don't bring a hoof pick. To be honest I have never seen any therapeutic value come from this dancing business but it is absolutely hilarious to watch; after weeks of giving Snape therapy I feel entitled to some comic relief. If you want to try this at home, do dance in front of a mirror and perhaps you'll see what I mean.

The Bucket

This is my own made-to-measure substitute for, and the non-wizard equivalent of, the Aguamenti or Extinguishing Spell, only to be applied when things have become way too heated. 89 Typically, I reserve its application for those obstinate Snapees who, even after five or six sessions, harass me with wild speculation about the exact type of underwear Snape is wearing (jockeys, briefs, boxer shorts, Y-fronts, jockstraps, tangas or G-strings; trust me, I am spared nothing). Although "disgusting" doesn't begin to describe this, I can and do take it. But when a client starts to excogitate whether or not Snape's underwear is of the edible variety, that's where I draw the line and that's when I let "The Bucket" come into play. I keep the bucket handy at all times, next to the aforementioned craft basket, filled to the brim with ice-cubed water. It's a rather complicated psychotherapeutic device that requires convoluted explanation but the short version is that, whilst I lift said bucket (bend knees, not back) I ask my overheated, rambling client to please stand up and take a few steps away from my couch, whereupon I throw its contents smack in her face, 90 which I believe is a rare thing in traditional practice but it is at moments like this that I fully experience the perks of being a pioneer in my trade. This method is ideally suited to try at home, once you yourself have been cured but your aunt, niece, neighbour or co-worker has not (yet).

On this constructive note I conclude my introduction of the Severus Anonymous ® Rehab Clinic. For everyone who has managed to read this far there is really only one option. Just visit the Scribbulus Forum in the Leaky Lounge to subscribe. I am very much looking forward to meeting you online.
1. Snape is predominantly a woman's thing. So hullo to those five men who accidentally ended up here. You are welcome to stay around and please make yourselves comfortable but do something about those hairs sticking out of your nose and ears, will you? Thanks much.

2. Sometimes referred to as "greasy."

3. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 571.

4. Ibid., Philosopher's Stone, 167.

5. Ibid., 209.

6. Snape has that truly heroic propensity to bully precisely those children whose parents (i) were brutally assassinated by the world's greatest villain, (ii) have been enthusiastically tortured to incurable madness by a member of the meanest criminal organisation known to wizardkind, or (iii) are dentists.

7. I don't shy away from lengthy notes, but in this case the cast is simply too large to enumerate.

8. Not one single canon entry or clue of a bathing or showering Severus ’ not even a simple Scourgify/Scouring spell/charm. This seems to be coherent with recent scientific research, see Kolder, Water in Potter: Hygiene among Wizards. N.B.: see the Snape hand washing scene, below, in note 87.

9. To avoid tedious repetition, Snape's characteristics are referenced by one citation each, but in most cases there are (many) more.

10. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 572.

11. Ibid., 656.

12. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 211.

13. Ibid.

14. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 564.

15. Ibid., 566.

16. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 209.

17. Ibid., 307.

18. Ibid., 265.

19. Ibid., Philosopher's Stone, 140.

20. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 306.

21. Ibid., Chamber of Secrets, 198.

22. Ibid., 140.

23. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 572.

24. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 265.

25. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 582.

26. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 306.

27. Ibid., 264.

28. Ibid., Half-Blood Prince, 152.

29. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 210.

30. Ibid., 264.

31. Ibid., 263.

32. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 572.

33. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 306.

34. Ibid.

35. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 471.

36. As in (helping you to) Get Your Stuff Together.

37. Once fictionals get a hold of you, they just don't let go ’ hence the rigour of my methods. Just as the wand chooses the wizard, the fictional chooses his vulnerable, unsuspecting reader. Some characters are the most tenacious little plagues, as ruthless and unreliable as they come. Yet another reason why Dumbledore was a fool to trust Snape, but that's another story.

38. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 571.

39. We were spared a Severus Spears (or Britney Snape) avant la lettre, although this just might have been a very close shave (I am thinking here of Old Archie in Goblet of Fire: "I like a healthy breeze round my privates, thanks." Rowling, Goblet of Fire, 77).

40. Before Snape took over this was my Top Ten of characters my clients got obsessed with:

1. Captain Jack Sparrow (Monday and Tuesday used to be my Captain Jack days. Clean, healthy sighing yes, drooling no.)

2. Captain Corelli

3. Captain Underpants (most of them traded the good captain for Snape)

4. Captain Kirk (mostly elderly ladies)

5. Captain America (only older ladies)

6. Mr Darcy

7. Mr Bingley

8. Mr Knightley

9. Mr Tilney

10. Mr Willoughby (I know, they never learn)

Ubiquitous: Squidward (hors concours, really)

41. I always check the primary source of the fictional character at hand for possibly useful techniques. Canon doesn't have anyone or anything remotely resembling a psychologyst. Closest came the late Albus Dumbledore when he listened to Capslock Harry in Order of the Phoenix (p. 726’44), and of course Mrs Weasley's tea mugs in Half-Blood Prince, (p. 81’2), in the kitchen scene with love-sick Tonks. As far as spells and charms are concerned, they are by definition beyond our Muggle reach. But I must say the principle behind the Riddikulus Charm is not totally useless: laughing at our target doesn't seem such a bad idea. At first sight Occlumency also looked promising, "The magical defence of the mind against external penetration" (Order of the Phoenix, 458), and: "[...]branch of magic that seals the mind against magical intrusion and influence" (ibid., 468). But, leaving aside our Muggle limitations, I think that if even Harry ’ only the most magically talented young wizard in ages ’ can't manage to learn Occlumency properly, it seems to be a waste of time for us to even try to set up an analogous defence against your Inner Snape. Trying to seal your thoughts from your Inner Snape seems to be like trying not to think of a pink elephant.

42. Just have a glance at the now-retired hero that's sitting beside you on the TV couch, staring and zapping.

43. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 472.

44. There's every chance you know this already from your own experience, see above, note 42.

45. See above, note 5.

46. As stated above, in note 9, to avoid tedious repetition, Snape's characteristics are referenced by one citation each (with a notable exception for his hooked-nosed, non-aquiline features, see next note), but in most cases there are (many) more.

47. Rowling, Philosopher's Stone, 94; Chamber of Secrets, 62; Prisoner of Azkaban, 95, 103, 211, 211; Goblet of Fire, 155, 155, 411; Order of the Phoenix, 210, 564; Half-Blood Prince, 152. So, to summarise: hooked nose; hooked nosed; hooked nose, hooked-nose, long nostrils, abnormally large nose; hook-nosed, overlarge nose, overlarge nostrils; hooked nose, hooked nose; and hooked nose; respectively, ladies. No aquiline features, never aquiline features, not even in Snape Sr. (Order of the Phoenix, 521).

48. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 210.

49. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 572.

50. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, Ch. 14.

51. Ibid., 209.

52. Ibid., Order of the Phoenix, 468.

53. Ibid., 562.

54. Yes, physically, right after the Pensieve scene: "Snape threw Harry from him with all his might. Harry fell hard on to the dungeon floor. [¦]And as Harry hurtled towards the door, a jar of dead cockroaches exploded over his head" (Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 572’3). It is implied Snape threw the jar.

55. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 656.

56. Ibid., 468.

57. Ibid.

58. Ibid., Half-Blood Prince, 153

59. Ibid., Chamber of Secrets, 61.

60. Ibid., Philosopher's Stone, 102.

61. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 276.

62. And Mr Yuk means no! In the U.S. "Mr. Yuk" is a cartoon image on product labels to indicate poison. See the information page http://www.chp.edu/mryuk/05a_mryuk.php.

63. Not once in the series is there any mention of Snape's feet, so they are ideally suited to train our imagination. Nothing about his feet, never mentioned, never described. I am so surprised this remarkable fact hasn't been picked up yet by Potter theorists. It must have a dark, hidden significance, pivotal for Deathly Hallows's plot. But what is it?

64. Rowling, Half-Blood Prince, 537’8.

65. A typical Snape question: "Harry had already attempted a few of the Prince's self-invented spells. There had been a hex that caused toenails to grow alarmingly fast (he had tried this on Crabbe in the corridor, with very entertaining results)' Rowling, Half-Blood Prince, 224.

66. We imagine him as in his good old teaching days.

67. Author of Charm Your Own Cheese, "the Cookery Classic that enchanted generations of witches and wizards' according to an advertisement on J.K. Rowling's website (see http://www.hp-lexicon.org/about/sources/jkr.com/jkr-com-rumours.html). Interestingly, the new, revised edition contains a chapter on Cheese-Based Potions.

68. Nin, "Delta of Venus' preface, ix.

69. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 572.

70. Ibid., 553.

71. Ibid., 689’720.

72. I have to say that for the very first time I can't wait for a Potter film release: finally we will get to see a scene that will clarify and add to canon.

73. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 564.

74. Ibid., Goblet of Fire, 409.

75. Ibid., Prisoner of Azkaban, 210.

76. Recently Snape's second cousin, twice removed on the paternal side squashed rumours of hereditary shampoo allergy running in the family. "It is NOT a hypersensitivity to shampoo, it is a hypersecretion of the cranial oil glands." See post # 11 in the Leaky Lounge debate ensuing from Bluntley, Noble History of Duelling (http://www.leakylounge.com/index.php?showtopic=36901&st=10&#entry1066985).

77. There's canon precedent for this, at least to a certain degree: "As though invisible strings were tied to Snape's wrists, neck and knees, he was pulled into a standing position, head still lolling unpleasantly, like a grotesque puppet." Rowling, Prisoner of Azkaban, 276.

78. From the wonderful website "101 Hand Puppets" (http://www.101handpuppets.com/), under Professional Puppets, Quick Papier-Mache:

A quick papier-mache head can be made at one sitting of an hour or so, dried overnight and painted the second day. Papier-mache is cheap, takes paint well and is pretty durable. Its flexibility is an advantage. A plaster or plastic wood head, when banged sharply, might break; a papier-mache head will only dent and can be repaired.

79. E.g., "Clean with moist cloth only' or "Keep the Snuppet stored separately from other Potter hand puppets you might possess, particularly your Hermiones."

80. To preserve the anonymity of clients their names and other identifying characteristics may or may not have been changed.

81. Canon attributes magical, healing properties to chocolate: "Harry felt better since the chocolate, but still weak." Rowling, Prisoner of Azkaban, 68.

82. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 74.

83. See the website mentioned in note 78, main page ("Your Puppets Are You"):

Watch your puppet take life under your hands. Slip him on, turn him this way and that, cause him to speak, to laugh, to think”he will delight you; he might even surprise you. The famous lady writer, George Sand, was a puppet fan. "Her feeling was that when she thrust her hand into the empty skirt of the inanimate puppet it became alive with her soul in its body, the operator and the puppet completely one." It's true. Your puppets will lead you into a new and wondrous world from which you will not”cannot escape. It is, after all, the world of yourself. (underline mine)

I cannot vouch for the correctness of their Sand quote, but it is simply too good to check.

84. For the very early stages of therapy you may find solace in the Snape Dammit Doll, to vent excessive anger. See The Leaky Lounge's thread of the same name.

85. Rowling, Order of the Phoenix, 460.

86. On a Freudian note, this is an obvious, subconscious fear of being pierced through (found out). Therefore, at this point in our course balloons are bound to pop up.

87. If you feel this works for you, do write your own poetry or prose to get to your Inner Snape. Here is an example, taken from a short story written by one of my clients, who wishes to stay absolutely anonymous since it is so painfully revealing about her Inner Snape. So, thank you, "Sloan' for letting me share this with my readers:

In the not-so early morning Snape stood before his wash basin with an old-fashioned mirror above it, head facing downwards, soaping his hands gently, precisely and meticulously, one hand spreading the soapy liquid over the bridge of the other. The soft emulsion of soap mixed with water slithered under his long, strong and shapely fingers, over those fingers, then with firmer and more resolute movements, as if one hand tried to outdo the other, as if they struggled against one another, as if sacred, secret, opposite forces were battling each other inside his hands: one to clean them up to the very last patch of sallow skin, the other to stop it. All the time Snape coldly yet intensely observed his hands, in what seemed silent awe, as if he were the spectator of a magical, hallowed ritual. Then, when he finally put his hands under the streaming water, rinsing off all soap, hearing the gurgle of the liquid being sucked away into the drain, into the past, out of the present, forever and always, a slight, inscrutable smile curled Snape's cruel, thin yet blood-red lips ¦ Now he looked up, into the mirror, and what he saw made his already white complexion turn even whiter. Snape gazed for a moment at his own reflection, and there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face. His black eyes showed a luscious mix of shock and anger: Snape realised that, apparently, after the ball last night, he had forgotten to remove his lipstick.

88. Well, most of him isn't, anyway.

89. Ibid., Goblet of Fire, 288.

90. There's canon proof of the sobering effects of this treatment: "Narcissa gasped as though he [Snape] had doused her with cold water." Rowling, Half-Blood Prince, 37.


101Handpuppets.com. "Your handpuppets are you." 2005. http://www.101handpuppets.com/.

Bluntley, Sir Lance (Duelling Master). "The Noble History of Duelling." The Leaky Cauldron, Scribbulus Issue 11 (http://www.scribbulus.com/features/essays/issue11/HistoryofDuelling) and ensuing debate, particularly post # 11 (

Children’s Hospital of Pittsburg. “Mr. Yuk.” About Children’s, 2007. http://www.chp.edu/mryuk/05a_mryuk.php.

Hobbs, Belinda. “J.K. Rowling – Official Site: Rumours tabloid.” The Harry Potter Lexicon, 2005-2007. Member of the Floo Network http://www.hp-lexicon.org/about/sources/jkr.com/jkr-com-rumours.html.

Kolder, K.G. "Water in Potter: Some Notes on Sub-Normal Frequency of Personal Hygiene Related Activities among Wizards." Mephitic Monthly, August 2003: 1101’11.

Nin, Anaïs. Delta of Venus. New York: Bantam Book, 1978.

Rowling, J.K. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. London: Bloomsbury, 1998.

”””. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. London: Bloomsbury, 2000.

”””. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. London: Bloomsbury, 2005.

”””. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. London: Bloomsbury, 2003.

”””. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. London: Bloomsbury, 1997.

”””. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. London: Bloomsbury, 1999.

Comments? Discuss this essay here on the Scribbulus forum.

The Leaky Cauldron is not associated with J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., or any of the individuals or companies associated with producing and publishing Harry Potter books and films.