“I must not tell lies” and other New Year’s Resolutions for Harry Potter characters

lies

Jan 02, 2020

Posted by: Amanda Kirk

Fun

It’s that time of year, when we resolve that in the New Year we will lay off the pumpkin pasties and spend more time practicing switching spells.  What New Year’s resolutions are we seeing in the Potterverse this year?  Grab a tankard of hot Butterbeer or a goblet of pumpkin juice (perhaps spiked with just a drop of Fire Whiskey) and let’s find out.

Harry: “To have a nice quiet life—same as my resolution last year, and the year before, and the year before that…”

Ron: “I figure it’s about time I stopped burning my Viktor Krum figurine in effigy.  I mean, she did marry me.”

Hermione: “I simply must find the time to knit more elf hats for S.P.E.W.”

Remus Lupin: “I resolve to eat more chocolate this year.  I find it lifts my spirits, makes me growl less.”

Sirius Black: “I’m finally going to find a spell for getting rid of those damn fleas.  They’re murder!”

Tonks: “When I was at Hogwarts, my Head of House said I lacked certain qualities….like the ability to behave myself.  I resolve not to start now.”

Albus Dumbledore: “To find more time for knitting before this cursed hand won’t work anymore.  I have a pattern for a pair of Aran socks that would be lovely and warm in this drafty castle, saw it in a magazine when I was in the loo…”

Newt Scamander: “I need a bit of a laugh after all this business of doing Dumbledore’s dirty work for him in Paris, so I think I’ll give a few Muggles sightings of a Diricawl, that should be good fun.”

Jacob Kowalski: “I was never even supposed to be here: I was never supposed to know any of this.  But, since I am and I do…I’d like to get ahold of a wand and see if I could, I can’t believe I’m saying this, uh, cast a spell …..Then I’m going to find that creepy bastard Grindelwald and get my girl back.”

Also Jacob: “I resolve to find a girlfriend who can’t read minds.”

Finally, some resolutions from a few of our favourite fantastic beasts:

Fluffy: “I (we?) won’t skive off our guard duty for any random tune.  We’re still chagrined that turban-wearing turncoat got past us with that bloody charmed harp.  From now on, no more than two heads can sleep at once, giving us, as Mad-Eye Moody would say, “constant vigilance”.   Thanks to a steady supply of Irn-Bru from Hagrid, it will take an entire symphony played by the London Philharmonic itself to get past us.”

Norbert(a): “I will not set Hagrid’s beard on fire…at least not on purpose.”

Hedwig: “I won’t poop in Harry’s cornflakes when I deliver the post.  But all bets are off with the orange juice.”

Pickett: “Oh, all right, I’ll stop sulking.  But I reserve the right to blow raspberries when it’s warranted.”

Niffler:  “This year, I resolve not to steal anything shiny—Oh, who am I kidding?  I can’t even say that with a straight face.”

We asked Leaky readers to post your own resolutions for Harry Potter characters on Twitter and Instagram.  Not surprising that the first one we received for Ron was “Don’t follow the spiders!” and the second was “Follow the butteries.”  Good advice, although following the spiders did lead Harry and Ron to a critical piece of information.  Yeah, it almost got them killed, but that goes for most things they did!

Here’s a challenging resolution for Neville, but we think he’s up to it:

These seem spot-on for Hermione, except she’ll also have to keep Molly and Arthur from spoiling their grandkids, which sounds like a full-time job in itself!

Our Instagram followers thought that Voldemort’s New Year’s resolution would be to finally succeed in killing Harry (and grow a nose) “…but in true resolution fashion, he fails every year.”  Resolutions for Snape included learning about a magical substance called “shampoo” and winning back the title of most hated teacher from Umbridge.  Hagrid’s resolutions spanned the spectrum from vowing not to own any more illegal pets to resolving to get hold of another dragon.  But our favourite was this one for Ron:

Screenshot 2020-01-01 at 7.55.19 PM

What are your New Year’s resolutions?  Are any of them Harry Potter-related?  Tell us in the comments or use #HPResolutions on social media.





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